"The soup cannot tolerate the movement of the table..."

This past year, I've begun to question my role, my purpose in life...

Mostly, because many incidents have made me wonder if my life is in fact, actually a movie (a comedy of sorts) or reality. Because really, some of the events are in fact so strange, and the characters so bizarre that one could only find them juxtaposed in a film.

This trip to Spain has coupled the comedic occurances of my life with a scavenger hunt. I am now absolutely convinced that this semester is actually a surprise reality show... "The Greatest Race" meets "The Truman Show" meets "Always Sunny in Philadelphia."


For example...

Let's say, you would like to print a document. In many states, you would simply, turn on your computer, ensure that it is connected to your printer, and press print. If ink levels are not sufficient or you forgot to buy paper at Office Max, your roommate, or school, or neighbor or dog definitely has a printer you could use.

In Spain however, printing a document borders looking for the Holy Grail.

First of all, for some reason, Spaniards enjoy taking approximately 30.932 minutes to explain how to get to a locutorio 3 blocks away. Interesting stories about where they were concieved, where their cat was vaccinated or where their brother's friend's uncle's godfather's daughter used to play are expectedly thrown in while seemingly crucial points such as street names and number of blocks are often left out or thrown in so randomly you cannot possibly string them together. But by the way, it's super facil to get there.

So, after 3 attempts at recieving directions, attempt 1 at finding a printer was made.

Store 1... Unsuccessful. No longer there.

Attempt 4 at asking for directions to another locutorio via stranger on street... More successful.

Store 2... Unsuccessful. Out of business.

Attempt 5 through 9 at asking for directions... Less successful. Eventually a map was draw to explain a location a straight shot literally 3 blocks away.

Store 3... Seemingly successful. In the correct location. Open. Able to plug in flash drive.

Unfortunately, they were out of tonor.

Attempt 10 at asking for directions, slightly more successful.

Store 4... open, toner, ink, CHECK.

Only downside... we had to sit next to middle aged highly intoxicated creepy man who suffered greatly from unsuccessful attempts to talk into the computer chord.

I wish I could tell you that this obstacle course esc activity is saved for rainy days, but it instead, consumes the majority of most of my days here.

Fortunately, this incident in particular worked out for the best. The above disaster was required to print bus tickets for a trip to Cuenca this past weekend. After barely, and I mean *barely* making the bus, 12 of us arrived safely in Cuenca (a small city about 2 and a half hours away from Madrid).

Surprises that Spain is constantly providing:
*2 single beds for 4 boys (after careful consolation with the manager, we were told that a double room included 2 double beds... suitable for 4 people... perk 1 to being short!)
*24 hour hostels that are actually locked after 2am


Perks to the weekend:
*Incredible mountains with even more amazing sunsets viewed from the top
*Largest Contemporary Art Museum in Spain
*Tour of la Ciudad Encantada (the Enchanted City) with our very own VIP party bus (minus the booze)
*Free shots for being awesome... if you go to a sketchy Chinese Restaurant, free ¨happy teeth¨ gum, rings and I LOVE NY keychains
*Free food with every drink purchase
*Dancing with inanimate objects

Overall, a fairly fun and successful weekend.

The week itself was not too shabby either. I signed up for classes, found an apartment (quite possibly two of the most stressful jobs under my belt!), and went to 1 euro Wednesdays at Montaditos with some lovely ladies. 1 euro Wednesday meaning all drinks and food were 1 euro.

Wednesday we also made an adventerous trip to McDonalds where their McFlurries (please pronounce correctly Americans, it's MIC Flurry) are in fact better than ours.

Yesterday was first actual day of classes. I hear of so many students who say studying abroad rarely encompasses actually going to class. Well, NONE OF THEM CAME TO MADRID. I am definitely in for an interesting semester... And have a feeling I'll have a difficult time sitting still for such an extended period of time (classes are an hour and a half here... and do not include dance or discussions... 99% lame).


Highlight of the day: Our professor was explaining how difficult it can be to read Cervantes... His suggestion-read with a few drinks by your bed side.

I know I promised a few fashion highlights this episode, but I think I'll save them for my next entry, seeing as I'm starting to get sick and have a feeling I won't have much else to write about this week.

In addition, I have a blog on the way dedicated to El Sabio... Stay tuned!

More Adventures in Shoe Country

With class registration approaching tomorow, I felt it only necessary to procrastinate the process further by updating my Nobel Winning blog...

The weekend flew by (as per usual). But I encountered two concepts completely unheard of in the majority of Madrid:

1) Two nights in a row full of 7 hours of sleep.

2) A bar without smoking.

While you recover from shock, I'll enlighten you with a few more activities provided for me this weekend...

Saturday, as you may remember (please take careful notes so I do not have to repeat myself in the future, thank you), we (for future reference, at least for the next two weeks, please assume 'we'=Courtney, my roommate, and I... I'm quickly acclimating to the Spainard's way of shortening every sentence/word) went to a Workshop for 'Wanna-be' English teachers.

I have many regrets about the following sequence of events-but perhaps the biggest is that no footage exists of the afternoon... I will try to explain the out-of-the-world experience I encountered, but I guarantee that the day was much stranger than can be re-told or imagined.

We arrived at the building complex approximately 10 minutes before the start of class to find the entire building locked. Right around 4, when the class was schedule to begin, a man surprised us from behind, and let us into the building... We had high hopes that he was our instructor, but to our dismay, he unlocked and entered a different office. Eventually the instructor did show up however, with a confused look on his face as he was supposedly only given an 'emergency' key, and that the director of the program was supposed to have let us in. So this long nailed, grey pony-tailed man called the director with hopes of obtaining some sort of information with regards to the classroom we were supposed to use, who we were supposed to pay for the class, etc. etc. We ended up (without his reply) moving to a small conference table suited for approximately 6 students (please keep in mind, there were 17 signed up for the class).
30 minutes later (more or less) the director called... It must have completely slipped his mind to a) call back period, b) call sometime between when he arrived and saw 10 students standing outside and 30 minutes after, c) ring the buzzer to the complex, and d) bring his key to the office he owns. He eventually made it inside, gave us a quick schpeel about the company and left.

We proceeded to then spend 2 hours reviewing "How To" lists such as: "How to Make People Like You," "How to be Successful in Business," "How to Get People to Agree With You," and "How to Change People Without Them Knowing." We then had to ask questions on index cards, about half of which were answer-able by the instructor.

All in all, a few informative day.

Fortunately Saturday night was salvaged by an absent señora and great friends.

Mother-less nights in Spain are exciting for 6 reasons:

1) Long showers.

2) Shoes become unncessary.

3) 2 euro bottles of white wine in water glasses.

4) Sweat pants in the house.

5) Loud crappy music.

6) Dessert without judgement.

After said celebrations, we met up with a few friends in La Latina... We began the ordeal at what I like to call, "Sports Bar." I have this terrible tendency to believe that my taste buds have the capacity to change at alarmingly quick rates... For example: I've never liked green olives. And yet, every time one is presented to me (i.e. Saturday night) I have this feeling that simply, perhaps, I will actually like it this time. Another popular favorite "perhaps I'll like this the 100th time I've tried it" is cantalope. It gets me EVERY TIME.

Moving on... So after watching others eat olives, we went to a small bar a little farther from the Metro Stop and ordered some delicious, and more importantly, *cheap* sangria. The boys of course had their manly beer. Despúes, vamos al otro bar that, ready for this, not only did not allow smoking bbbuuttt you could also RENT MOVIES THERE... I think. The whole concept was a bit confusing (although, my feet will probably look normal before Spain actually makes sense to me), and the whole language/noise barrier didn't help.

Another absolutely incredible contribution that this bar has made to my life in Madrid thus far: literally the BEST icecream I have ever had in my life. Swiss, strawberry, heavenly...

Sunday continued to bring great news. I went to my very first European Starbucks (adventerous, I know). But, please refer to the picture below for the Spain's interpretation of Breanne and Courtney:

After consuming leche coming from a box, we walked around Arguelles and made our way to Sol to check out the Rebajas (super huge sales in Spain once a year). I found some 3 euro shirts (what a grand día) and we eventually headed home.

Today I drew a few masterpieces during class, stressed myself out about choosing classes (it's quite strange actually having a choice in the classes you can take) and ate a lot of French Beans (some strange hybrid of our version of green beans and sugar snap peas which filled an entire plate).

I've begun to take note of a few of Madrid's curiosities, as well as many of the fashion trends soon to come to the US. Pictures and tips to come.

"Otro helgado por favor..?"

I'm baaaacck!

After how long it took me to finally write my first entry, you're probably shocked to see another on your computer screen. But, here I am (constantly keeping you on your toes... anxiously awaiting the next blog from España...)

Perhaps also surprising is the fact that I am *still* alive and well in the smelly city of Madrid. (Spain I am sorry, but it's true... You have a strange odor of either garbage, smoke, strong cologne and/or perfume or some strange combination of the above). But regardless... I am still here. Not in love yet-but, there's always the possibility of divorce in 5 months.

Monday we had the morning off, and Courtney and I went shopping. Perhaps this means I'm not a real girl, but I'm not usually a fan of shopping, and I'm especcially not a fan of shopping in Europe for two reasons:

1) Here "shopping" generally consists of aimlessly walking around looking at random supposedly 'cute' things. I'm half girl in that I don't mind shoping if I have specifics in mind that I need to find and perhaps more importantly, dinero, but I HATE looking around aimlessly.

2) I'm a firm believer that Europe tries to TRICK you, and I ALMOST fall for it every time! 15 euros, ¡increíble!.. I then plug this number into my handy-dandy conversion calculator (mi mente) to find out that they once again lied to me.

Regardless, I had a surprisenly nice time out at Sol. Afterwards, we grabbed some small sandwhiches (tengo un bocadillo con queso) at a local bakery and went to Orientation.

Another thing that amazes me about Spaniards... I swear that they can read the future. And not just the psychics on the streets... There are times in which people enter the Metro from atop and randomly start sprinting... They somehow (and this is what fascinates me) know that the Metro is about to stop. What further intrigues me is that the Metro comes every 5 minutes (10 at the most) and everyone a) races down the escalator (apparently I was wrong in assuming escalators=relaxing) and b) dives into the car.

But quite possibly the strangest thing, is that Spaniards are always late!

So you can read the future and sprint like a track star down the stairs, and yet still not make it to the building on time?

Anyway... So, we learned a lot at our (perhaps 3rd?) General Orientation. I will share a few tips with you at this time:

1) Do not worry about turning down the beso greeting or good-bye... especcially if the man has a beard (a-because he's sketchy and b-because it's scratchy... totally made up the sketchy part).

2) If you want to try any form of drugs, please go to Amsterdam. You are advised to avoid the following (including, but not limited to): smoking pot with other students in the cafeteria and snorting coke in the bathroom with the ladies.

3) Use condoms. Apparently Spain has either the highest or second highest rate of HIV in Europe.

4) Spanish men are not afraid to hit you back.

Needless to say, the Orientation practically glorified Spain. After I signed a contract to live here for the rest of my life, we went home and I basically went to bed.

Tuesday brought gifts of a 2 and 1/2 hour tour of Old Madrid and, rain (just another example of Europe lieing to me... Madrid, some water crisis you are in-it's rained half of the time I've been here). On the bright side, we saw a ton of incredible lugares including the Palacio Real (where the Moorish fortress used to be), the Plaza Mayor (central square in Madrid), the Palacio de Cibeles ('town hall'), and the Opera. We also saw the President of the region, who offered me her place when I graduated (world domination, here I come!).

The tour really solidified not only how much I hate being outside in cold rain, but many of the reasons why I'm here. It also reminded me of Spain's incredible random-ness (perhaps I was born in the wrong country). It fascinates me that you have the juxtaposition of these amazing historical monuments coupled with sex shops and English Department stores (i.e. Cortes Inglés).
After the tour a few of us grabbed lunch at Galetaria 4D Caffetteria and went to our Cursillo de enero (mini-course). Spain tricked me yet again in that I was under the impression I was ordering a shrimp meal for seven euros, which instead, ended up being 7 mini shrimp. To lighten the load, at least my cafe con leche had a heart engraved in the foam on top. The Spaniards are full of class.

The rest of Tuesday brought yet another delicious dinner, and churros, purros and chocolate at San Giles... By the way, HIGHLY recommended (and I don't even like chocolate... which I realize, makes me even less of a girl, but rest assured, it's true...)

Wednesday brought *real* regalos. We had Orientation with regards to classes con some estudiantes from the Universidad Complutense. I was much too tired to concentrate on the Spanish, so hopefully I will not be more of a mess than I am already anticipating come the start of classes. After Orientation, we had lunch with all program participants at Hylogui. While we were designated to the outcast table (mentor-less and with staff), I could essentially write this entire blog about my delicious experience. Because I know this entry will be long enough already, I will attempt to limit the description to 3 sentences (here goes nothing...)

Not only was the food free (probably another lie-I'm sure it came from our program costs), but there was a ton of it... We began with individual loafs of unlimited bread (una cosa frustrante-bread etiquette is ALWAYS a surprise... in some places, it's 'un-classy' to put oil and vinegar on your bread even though they will give it to you. In others they will give you a plate. In others they expect you to to put it directly on your bread. So, buena suerte.) (By the way, anything in parenthesis does not count towards my sentence limit). So like I said (continuation of sentence 2), we began with a ton of bread and were then introduced to a family style salad/appetizer tray, fried calamari, a Spanish Omlette of asparagus, mushrooms, ham and some other random incredible surprises, Swordfish, icecream, and unlimited wine. While we may have been assigned to the outcast table, it paid off in the end, because we attempted to finagle our way into a second helping of free icecream, and, were very successful. (One win for Spain!)

After lunch, we came home, eventually made our way to view a piso, ate dinner (I'm learning they LOVE puree of leftovers here) and met some friends out. We went to a small bar called Urgullos, enjoyed some sangria (slightly addicted...) and made our way out to the Sol area. So in Puerta del Sol in Spain, clubs send their employees to the area to hand out flyers and get people to come to their bars. We were lucky enough to have 2 muchachos representing a karaoke bar with promises of free karaoke and sangria approach us. We gave in (mostly because the bar was called "Cher's") to find that we were initially, the absolute only people in the bar. The evening soon included dancing with a crazy 60 year old drunk man with huge sunglasses who loved Wisconsin and singing a duet to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Once Thursday quickly approached us, we went to view a few apartments (complete disaster), purchased some fresh fruit and bread from a few local markets, and went to our mini-curso.

Thursday night we had the brilliant idea of attending Joy, a popular discoteca. We first grabbed some sangria at Montaditos where some French man complimented me on my 'very nice accent.' I am fairly positive he was refering to my English accent, but I would like to think he loved my Spanish accent, and am sticking to this conclusion. Joy brought dancing with a lack of personal space, some silly Germans, and over pretencious security guards.

Friday, with approximately 4 hours of sleep, which has become my norm, we attended the Prado. Absolutely incredible... I'm a huge fan of learning history indirectly. While the tour was over 2 and 1/2 hours, we still didn't make it through even half of the museum. Dang it Pablo! We also saw a play put on by the students in Reunidas (hilarious).

By the way, on the note of other people, now that I've shared a little bit about myself, perhaps you would like to tell me a little bit about you?

No?

That's fine I wasn't that interested in the first place.

So back to me...

I'm still missing people, peanut butter and not wearing shoes. But, I'm not missing winter or sorostitutes (we only have real prostitutes here). I've become addicted to baked goods from the store down the street (perhaps partially because I cannot subcomb to my baking addiction here until I have my own place), and having coffee made for me every morning.

I'm about to head off to a training session (apparently they trust me enough to have me teach English over here), but I have high hopes of keeping up better with this blog in the future (wish me luck).

When is the next entry coming?!

I'll keep you in suspense... ;)

Now that we're getting to know each other a little better... I have a confession... I have a baking addiction.

And so it goes...

I began this trip (if you would call it that) with the intention of intensely blogging daily...

What happened instead?

I sent this link to 50 people and semi, sort of, maybe, kind of, completely did not write in it. I'm truely sorry to disappoint my fans, who have probably now lost all hope of reading about my European adventures, but on the bright side, I'm finally getting my act together.

Somehow (as you may have figured out by now), I arrived safely in Madrid. By the fifty-ninth flight of stairs and secret passage ways I took to baggage claim, I lost track of the entire process that was to occur that day. Did I go through customs? Pick up my bags? Where was my purse, VISA, umbrella (Chicago), books, computer, mind, food (was I allowed to bring food into the new country?), mind...?! To make matters worse, I unexpectedly waited thirty minutes for my bags to decide to *not* show up. A security guard came up to me, asked about my condition (insanity+no clothes, and I mean no clothes to wear for the next 6 months, because there were in my baggage... I was indeed wearing clothes at the time, in case you were wondering), and explained how to claim my luggage/see where it was.

In approximately (give or take) 7.3 minutes, the same guard found me (20 feet away from my previous position) aimlessly staring into space (in the middle of the airport). I found myself being personally escorted to Lost and Found services, where the attendent assured me that a) my luggage would come in the next few days (and that they would be personally delivered... probably because of my celebrity status) and that b) I definitely needed to practice my Spanish (thanks).

I proceeded to stare at the taxis for as long as I possibly could, before jumping into one that had absolutely no idea how to find my casa and attempted to persuade me that perhaps I lived at a different address. Thankfully my ability to say no is improving, as well as his ability to plug an address into a GPS (we can't all be dance majors). I arrived at the apartment, relied upon a 90 year old woman to a) help me find the secret hidden elevator, and b) assist in my usage of it. (I am convinced that they loooovvee to hide things here... for example: toilet paper, my bed, and random seafood in your meals).

I was incredibly nervous for my homestay because on my preference sheet, and I quote, mentioned that "... there are few things I dislike, mostly because I think you choose whether or not to enjoy yourself in a given situation." Needless to say, I recieved my homestay address within two days (with this secret fear that they put me with the scariest mujer). Fortunately, I was greeted with besos, carrot-orange jam (highly recommended and I'm not usually the biggest fan of the color)and two lovely lady room-mates (Chris, pillow fights have not happened yet, but I'll be sure to keep you posted).

(I apologize for the length this may reach, by the way...)

I finished Wednesday with General Orientation, a spectacular dinner (our Señora is an INCREDIBLE cook... sorry Mom...) journaling/emailing and some much needed time in bed.

Thursday we found ourselves near Sol, and I bought a purse (I know you're really excited to hear this news). Petty theft is a HUGE problem in Madrid, so they recommend buying a particular bolso. Anyway, Sol-->Orientation (Academics and Embassy briefing... Embassy guys, pardon the language, kind of gilipollas...)-->Principe Pío. We bought cell phones (I already have 20 contacts, kind of a big deal... Including, myself, the US Embassy, 911, and the Program Director... Pretty popular.) Another delicious dinner, and out for the evening.

Here's where the night gets interesting (¿sí?) We (a bunch of randos and I...orrr some Americanos de mi programa) met at Sol in an attempt to find a low-key cheap bar. After asking a few randoms on the street (for real this time), we ended up going to this bar with a theme everyone can't help but love: owls. I'm a firm believer that every bar in Spain has a wealth of display cases that make absolutely no sense. The bartender graced us with some free honey rum (scarily delicious) and we graced him with our presence until bar close. Upon some *obviously* very careful decision making, we ended up at a Gay Discoteca. We made some moves to Shakira (I as usual, mostly just made a fool out of myself) and found ourselves winning hats while walking and meeting some crazies (at least one had a rat-tail!) at the bus stop. Unlike true Madrileños, we got home slighty early (5:30 am).

Friday, we had the remarkable opportunity to take a perfectly leveled group picture in front of the metal barred, graffiti ridden front area of the University. After we had another Orientation (Housing, yahooo) and Courtney and I found ourselves so starved that we settled for Oktober Fest at Principe Pío. If you come to Madrid, please please PLEASE promise me that you will never be desperate enough to eat at said restaurant. Our evening was however, eventually salvaged by Señora's cooking and Cafe Nuncía's chocolate nata.

Saturday, we went with the Program to Toledo. While the weather was a bit on the chilly side (I'm obviously acclimating myself quite quickly), and the group was a bit too large for one tour guide, the city was absolutely fascinating. I almost felt like I was on a movie set... a little hard to believe that not only have people actually lived there for centuries, but they still live there ahora. We had the opportunity to view (and learn approximately 5 hours worth of information about) la Santa Iglesia Catedral Primera, la Iglesia de Santo Tomé, el Puente de San Martín, el Museo Sefardí, and más o menos 50 more places that at this point, all blend together.

Last night brought us to another bar (Star Studio), which was some odd combination of an Irish and Goth theme. I can only hope that not only will mullets make their way back to the states, but that the trench coat, fish net, white painted face, bright red lipstick look will as well. While avoiding the dark side, I met some Italian and Spanish muchachos who helped me pratice my Español, which was really nice because I feel like I'm constantly speaking Spanish with Program participants).

Today (perhaps your attention span is slowly dwindling... I can assure you that mine is as well... but, to keep you intrigued with what's to come...: Animal Parade).

So today, animal Parade? Es la verdad. Our Señora informed us that there was a parade occuring near el Sol (cerca de la Iglesia de Santa Antón) that was not to be missed! Pet owners were to come to this event with their animals of all shapes and sizes (including but not limited to: dogs, cats, tucans, other birds, snakes, rabbits and fish) and walk them around the area. We arrived with high expectations, and learned that not only were the animals recieving some blessed, but also were given cookies accompanied with some rules about not actually eating them for a year. (You may also have to bury part of the cookie, un-demonize another, didn't particularly follow all of it). Regardless, the animals in Madrid (especcially dogs) quite possibly possess the link between apes and humans in the sequence of evolution. No only are they well dressed (rain coats and sweaters were the theme for today), but well trained. Many will wait outside stores for their owners, and today's parade presented my first experience with a leesh in Madrid.

Courtney and I ate at an amazing restaurant-Laterar con r aproximante, enjoyed a pitcher of sangria, some mushroom crepes, raw salmon, cream cheese and bread, and mushroom gouda quesadillas. We got lost a block away from our house, met our Señora's adorable grandson Pablo, and I was finally able to unpack my bags.

For now, I'll name the trip so far, so good. I'm obviously missing home (or at least, the people at home...). SKYPE has helped a lot, as have emails... I would like to bring to your attention at this time however, that I am indeed accepting all emails at this time as well.

As it's nearing 3am, my eyes are feeling heavier and heavier.

Tomorow's blog?

Interesting observations.

Be prepared.

Buenas noches.